I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
