I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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