He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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