what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
