Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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