oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just want nice things and good sex
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
