I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
