The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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