Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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