i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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