every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
