Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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