I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just pee around me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
