I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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