sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize