I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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