But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The police scanner is talking about you again....
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
