im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
