I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
