After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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