Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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