someone threw a dead crab at me
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
