Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
