she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
