Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
