Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
