Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize