You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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