I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
