she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
