Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
