I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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