Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize