Swine flu. Run for my life!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
