I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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