Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
