forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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