Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
