I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
