All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
