I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
