Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
