and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
