u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
