I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
