I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
