DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
