I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
