I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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