Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
True strength comes from lack of pants
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