if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
