Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You left your phone here
Wait...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
