im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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