6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
