I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
