It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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