youre lurking in front of me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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